


Malec: The Empty Feeling Inside

by ckTmi



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confrontation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Malec, Max will appear, Maybe - Freeform, fluff wil come, probably happy, we'll see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-06-08 20:01:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6871375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ckTmi/pseuds/ckTmi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>General Summary:<br/>Alec is going through a very selfdestructive phase. He has his personal demons to fight. But when a ray of light, in the form of mysterious Magnus Bane, enters his life, will his troubles go away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Purple Light

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy! 
> 
> More updates coming!

Alec snuck into the house, carefully closing the backdoor behind him. He turned around just as the light turned on. Alec froze. “Izzy! You scared me!” Alec slowly took off his jacket.  
“You need to stop sneaking out to see your loser boyfriend, who by the way, did not want to be exclusive or official!”  
Alec rolled his eyes, “We are not dating, he is not my boyfriend,” Alec said.  
Izzy had a stern look on her face, arms were crossed. “You know he is bad for you! Do you even like him?” Izzy almost yelled, but still whispering to not wake up their parents or Jace for that matter.  
“Look, Izzy, I know you don’t like him, even though you never met, but just be happy for me!”  
“Happy for you? Happy, that some douche is using you? Happy, that for the past few weeks you’ve had this empty hazy look in your eyes?” Alec starred at Izzy and said: “I’m fine. And he makes me feel good. For once someone cares about me!”  
Izzy looked shocked. “I care about you, we all care about you. But, fine. Do what you want, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when he breaks your heart and I’m left to pick up the pieces.”  
Alec scoffed and hurried up to his room. Alec sat down on his bed and rubbed his face with his hands. He knew Izzy was right. On some aspects. Alec knew his heart couldn’t get broken. He wasn’t emotionally invested in this guy. He was just a distraction. But wasn’t it better to have someone in your life, even if all of it was just fun? He was a distraction from the pain and loneliness. Alec got undressed and went to bed. His fingers lightly touched the sore area on his collarbone where a new, fresh, large hickey was lighting up against his pale skin. Alec turned on his side and fell asleep.  
He woke up a few hours later with a horrible hangover. His head felt horrible. He went down stairs, not caring to cover his hickey since both his parents were at work, and even if they were home he would probably have left it be visible anyway. Izzy and Jace sat at the table and ate breakfast. Alec walked to the fridge and drank straight out of the orange juice carton. Alec starred at Izzy then Jace. Jace scratched his collarbone, exactly where Alec’s new hickey was. Alec rolled his eyes at him. He went and took some painkillers. He left the kitchen with a donut, without a single word. Thank God it was the summer holidays. Alec went back to bed. At least he had plans later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER: We meet Alec's 'friend'.


	2. The Final (maybe) Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Jace have a heated conversation before Alec leaves to meet Nate (his 'friend').  
> Will Jace have convinced Alec to break it off?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a lot of emotion, at least to me. I hope you enjoy!

Alec woke up again around lunch. He got in the shower. He got dressed and he went down stairs. He sat on the stairs and was tying his combat boots. He shouted to Izzy and Jace that he was going out and that he didn’t know when he would be back.   
“Alec, wait!” Jace ran into the entrance. “Alec, before you go, I need to talk to you. I know why you’re doing this.”   
Alec sent Jace an irritated look. “Why, Jace, please tell me because I don’t,” Alec yelled back, “Just let me go, alright!”   
“Alec! Is it really worth it?”   
Alec turned around. “Is what really worth it?” Alec spat back, forcing Jace to physically say it. Jace looked at Alec with sad eyes, and in a sad tone yelled: “This guy is he really worth it? Is having meaningless, emotionless sex with him really worth it? It brings you more pain than pleasure, I know that. It’s self-destructive!” Jace sighed, looking at his brother with comfort, he continued in a low soft voice; “Alec, please, you’ve got to end it, it’s not worth it, he is turning you into this empty shell.”   
Alec's eyes were glassy. “Fine, but let me go this one last time. I need it, at least one last time. I promise I’ll end it.”   
Alec turned and left through the front door. Jace watched Alec leave. He sighed. Izzy came down the stairs, she looked at Jace with sad eyes.   
“Did you talk to him?” Jace nodded.   
“He is breaking it off, but it might take a while for him to be back, he seemed like he really needed him, one last time. If you know what I mean,” Jace said, he wasn’t trying to be funny, but he was trying to spare Alec’s sister of the details.

Alec was a little late, but so was Nate. Nate didn’t say why he was late. Alec didn’t ask. Alec didn’t want to know. They didn’t kiss when they said hi. They just said hello and smiled, as much as Alec could these days. No other affection. Alec knew this guy only wanted one thing, but Alec didn’t care. He couldn’t really get mad since Alec didn’t want anything either. Not from him anyway. Alec was smoking his third cigarette since he arrived. He offered Nate one, who took it. They went inside.   
A few hours later they were lying on the bed, not cuddling. Not even touching. Alec was lying on his stomach, supporting his body on his lower arms.   
“Listen, I think we should stop this. Doing this. It’s not good for either of us.”   
Nate laughed. “I beg to disagree, I know I think it was good, and some of the things you said, only a few minutes ago, makes me think that you find it pretty good, too.” Alec just rolled his eyes.   
“You know what I mean. I can’t do it anymore. If sex is the only thing I’m getting from this then it’s not enough. And I can get that other places. I know you already do as well. But I want from someone who brings the whole package. The relationship.”   
Nate sighed. “If that is what you want, then I can’t stop you. I know I’m not a relationshippy guy, but I do care about you, Alec.” Nate placed a hand on the small of Alec’s back.   
“Really?” Alec said with an annoyed tone, “It doesn’t seem like it. And even if that is true, I still can’t do this. It’s a distraction. For both of us. For what’s really going on.”   
Nate sat up. Alec did too. “I guess this is it the, I’ll miss this,” Nate said, trying to smile. “Well, I’m sure you have some other guy who’ll do you just fine,” Alec said, got up, got dressed. “Bye Nate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the second chapter :)
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER: one word. Pandemonium.


	3. Pandemonium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izzy and Jace take Alec to Pandemonium. Alec is withdrawn as always.   
> Alec has some thoughts about starting school.  
> A certain person contacts Alec.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there isn't much interaction between Alec and his siblings in this but I tried to simulate Alec's feeling of emptyness and anxiety.

Alec got home around five in the afternoon. He went into the living room with the intentions to play some video games. Jace was sitting on the couch, he looked at Alec.   
“Did you do it?” Jace asked. “Depends on what you mean-” Alec said, smirking at Jace but without a spark in his empty eyes. “Alec,” Jace interrupted. “Both I guess, I ‘broke up’ with him.” Alec rolled his eyes.   
Jace smiled. “That’s great, Alec.” Alec shrugged. “I don’t feel different. I feel nothing. I haven’t in long time.”   
Alec left the room leaving Jace behind. Alec went upstairs to shower. It didn’t last longer or shorter than normal. Alec didn’t need it to. When he got out of his bathroom, Izzy was waiting on his bed.   
“Hi. Jace told me that you ended it.” Alec sat down next to her. “I’m fine Izzy. I just don’t know what to do for the rest of the summer.” Alec scoffed, “Or who.” He snickered. Izzy laughed. “Ew, Alec, I don’t want hear about your sex-life! Seriously are you okay?” Alec nodded. They hugged, and Izzy said: “We are going to Pandemonium tonight, wanna come?” “Sure, can we go out to eat before?” “Sure, Alec.”

They went to a small diner before heading to the club. They all ordered the usual. Burgers, with everything, fries and coke. They ate mostly in silence. Jace and Izzy tried to keep a conversation going but it wasn’t going very well. Alec stared blankly out through the diner. A guy walked in. He broke Alec’s gaze. The guy was wearing a very low buttoned dress shirt, low rising blank jeans and a black velvet dinner jacket. He looked out of place yet so right. His eyes found Alec’s. They smiled to each other. Izzy stopped mid-sentence and turned around to see who Alec was smiling to.   
She turned back around, “If you want more meaningless sex with strangers go ahead. Just try to find more than that once in a while.” Alec rolled his eyes at her, “Well if I don’t flirt with people, how do you expect me to do so? And, by the way, Nate wasn’t a stranger. And stop calling it meaningless sex, it makes me feel cheap, just let sex be sex, it is what it is.”   
Jace and Izzy shared a look. Alec looked between them. “Guys!” They apologized.

They left the diner and headed to the club to get drinks before everyone else got there. They sat down at a booth with their drinks. After a while, and several shots, the conversation was going very well. They were laughing and joking. Just like before. Before it all went wrong. Alec felt happy; well happier than most days. The place started filling up, people started dancing. Izzy and Jace joined, but Alec stayed in the booth. He eventually went to the dance floor. He danced with a lot of strangers. Pandemonium wasn’t a gay club per say, but it did have a lot of LGBT people there. It was a safe haven for many, because they club had no tolerance for any kind of discrimination. Alec rarely went dancing, but lately he felt like it was another distraction. Another escape. And Alec needed that escape, especially because his senior year was so close. He felt very anxious about starting school this year. Especially after how he had spent his summer. He knew he should have spent the break, preparing himself for school, mentally. He should have taken the time to heal. Instead he had spent the distracting his mind from the real problem. 

There was one week left before school started and Alec still needed to go shopping. His anxiety about going back was getting worse day after day. He no longer had his distraction that went by the name Nate. He knew he had made the right decision but he still felt this need to see Nate. Alec fought it every day. Instead he kept himself busy with more productive things. He caught up on his summer reading. He finally went shopping for back-to-school. He often drove around town just listening to music. Alec liked music. It felt his head with meaningful lyrics instead of harmful thoughts. Sometimes a specific song made him feel bad or sad. But mostly they just made him feel busy. As if the last day before school hadn’t been tough enough already he got a text from Nate.

03:34 pm   
Nate:

Guess we’ll see each other tomorrow. Missing you.

Alec looked at the phone screen. His eyes watered up. Alec knew Nate went to the same school as him but he had kept himself too busy to think about the fact he would see him tomorrow. Another text come through.

03:42 pm  
Nate:

Wanna meet later. A little stressed about school tomorrow. Could use some relief ;)

Alec put himself together and responded.  
03:46 pm  
Alec:

Sure you can get that somewhere else. Stop texting me. Delete my number.

Alec went to bed. He couldn’t sleep. He really didn’t look forward to tomorrow. He dreaded it. But at least he knew his siblings would be there.


	4. Magnus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec runs into diner-guy
> 
> Alec deals with his reputation and rumor at school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly filler, but i still think it's important bc we see more to the story  
> Hope you enjoy!

Alec walked through the doors of their Highschool. Alec tried as best as he could to ignore the stares and whispers around him as he walked through the hallway. He knew he had gotten a reputation over the summer, but he hadn't realized the extent of it. He just darted down the hallway to the classroom he had to spend the first period in. He didn’t mind the first period on the first day. It wasn’t a lesson. It was just a bunch of information about the administrative things. He wasn’t late. He wasn’t early. He found the room and stepped in. Everyone looked at him. A few whispered something he couldn’t quite hear. Then he saw Nate. He was sitting on the second row by the windows. Alec looked in his eyes for a split second. Nate grinned at him. Alec rolled his eyes and went to sit down at a table on the backrow by the wall. A few more students came through the door. Each one looking at Alec and Nate before sitting down and whispering to their friends. Alec wanted to die. Disappear into thin air. There was a few seats left, scattered around the room. Then someone walked in. They didn’t look at Nate. Only at Alec. He smiled at Alec. Alec smiled back, realizing it was the guy from the diner. Alec followed him with his eyes as he walked towards Alec. He took an empty seat next him. “I’m Magnus,” he said introducing himself, “I don’t think we have formally been introduced.” “Alec,” Alec said, eyes widened and a genuine crooked smile spread across his face. “Already looking for a new boy-toy are we, Alec?” Someone shouted from the front of the class. Both Alec and Magnus turned their heads. “You’d think all the time you and Nate spent during the summer had you set for life!” He heard Nate laugh. Alec rolled his eyes at the guy. He returned his attention to Magnus. “I’m sorry about him. Sebastian is a real jerk. And if you’re wondering what they are talking about I’m sure someone already told you, or you’ll find out by lunch.” Alec turned his head to the front of the class. He was already tired of this day. “No one has told me, and I’m not looking to find out,” Magnus said. Alec turned back to Magnus. “You new here?” Magnus nodded. “I just transferred.” The teacher walked in and people quieted down.

Alec and Magnus had all their lessons together except Magnus took art, and they weren’t in the same gym class. When they got to lunch Alec invited Magnus to sit with him, and Izzy and Simon and Clary and Jace. They were the last to arrive and as they sat down Alec said: “Guys, this is Magnus.” Jace and Izzy shared another look. Alec ignored it. They all greeted Magnus. Jace made some comment on seeing Magnus at the diner. Alec spent the lunch trying to keep the others busy about talking what they had done during the summer break. Alec tried as best as he could to keep the conversation of him. Then there was an awkward pause. Everyone had said all they could. “Okay you can’t keep stalling, Alec, we need you to straighten out this rumor, well at least tell the truth, we all know there is some truth to it,” Simon said.   
“Simon!” Clary yelled and smacked his arm. Alec looked around at his friends, lingering a little longer at Magnus. “It’s nothing important. I was just trying to keep busy. You know after what happened.”   
Alec looked at Izzy and she understood. Alec wanted them to know, he just couldn’t say the words.   
“Basically, Alec spent most the summer driving around, talking to you guys, listening to music,” Izzy said, paused and looked at Alec, who nodded telling her to continue, “and most importantly, numbing himself by having sex with Nate, almost every day.” They all looked at Alec with this sympathetic and sad look. Magnus just looked confused. Alec leaned forward, drew a hand through his hair, and sighed. His shoulders sat high up. His elbows resting on the table. Alec felt so guilty. So ashamed. He knew his friends didn’t judge him. They knew the backstory, they understood his reckless behavior. What about Magnus? Did he care? Would he understand? Alec looked at the time then at Magnus. “We better get going if we want to get to class in time.” Magnus nodded. They got up and left. 

Izzy looked around at her friends. “Alec has been in a bad place over the summer. He still is. But he is getting better, especially after he stopped seeing Nate.” They all nodded. “Yeah, not that we need to tip-toe around him but,” Jace said, looked around at the others, “he needs space, but he also needs to know he can talk to us.” “We better get to class,” Izzy said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fourth chapter! Leave a kudo and a comment if you did!  
>  Next time: Alec tries to explain the situation to Magnus.


	5. Ghosts of the past.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec opens up to Magnus about his past, despite just meeting him.  
> It always is easier to talk to strangers, isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a little Easter egg in this chapter. Tell me if you found it :)  
> It's a quite short, but important chapter.  
> Enjoy!  
> Edit: I want to add a song for a part in the next chapter. I already have it written in he fic, but if you'd rather I put it in the chapter notes please tell me :)

Alec dragged Magnus by his wrist to a corner of the school he knew would be empty, given he had spent some time there during the years. 

“Listen Magnus, I know we just met and you’re probably really confused about what is going on.” 

“You got that right,” Magnus said in a soft voice. 

“I don’t know why but I feel like I owe you an explanation. So here it is. It all happened last spring. And it’s why I started senior year again. I ended up failing most my classes because of it.” Magnus sat quietly and listened. “I had been dating this guy since January of sophomore year. So when it happened we had been together a little more than a year. We were constantly breaking up and getting back together. Mostly because he was constantly cheating. But I loved him; at least I thought I did. But towards the end I was so depressed I could barely get out of my bed in the morning. Then one day we got in this big fight, he had cheated on me again. So he got in his car, we had decided to take some time apart. But it was late, and raining…” 

Tears were running down Alec’s face. 

“Come with me. I need to show you something,” Alec said and got up. Magnus did too. They went to the parking lot and got in Alec’s car. They drove in silence. They were driving down a long road when Alec stopped the car.  
“This is where I killed my boyfriend.” Magnus stared at Alec. “He was driving way too fast, he always did when he was upset. He crashed into a tree.” Tears were flowing down Alec’s face. Magnus placed a hand on Alec’s shoulder.  
“It wasn’t your fault Alec.” Alec looked at him, “Everyone says so, but if it isn’t why do feel so guilty?” Alec turned his face to the road. “I never got the closure I needed. One day he was just gone. Out of my life, forever.” Magnus looked at Alec with sad, sympathetic eyes. Just like his other friends had. “That fight had probably been the final one, I don’t think we would have gotten back together, it just wasn’t over when he…” Alec wiped his faceMagnus understood now. Magnus understood why Alec was the way he was. He had spent most his teen-life in toxic relationships. “Listen, Alec, I am happy you told me. Even though you had no obligation to. We all have history, we all have baggage.” Alec looked at Magnus. “We should get back to school. We have only missed one lesson. It was just algebra, and our teacher never teaches anything the first day.” Alec drove back to school. Magnus could see the blank expression on his face and in his eyes. He could see the nothingness, the emptiness. Right now all Magnus wanted to do was hug Alec, comfort him, and tell him it will be alright. But he also knew that Alec didn’t need that. Not right now at least.

The rest of the day went by in a haze. It was exhausting re-living everything, and it made him feel weak. And Alec wasn’t weak. He was strong, a leader, always the one who did everything right. But since last spring he had been a mess. So he tried to distract himself. He didn’t want to face the reality. When Alec drove home, Jace in the passenger seat, Izzy, Clary and Simon in the back, he tried to keep a conversation but his mind kept wandering. “Dude!” Alec snapped out of it. “Are you okay? You seem a little distracted,” Jace said. Alec nodded, “It’s just been a long day. I really need to relax.” Alec turned on the radio, and turned up the volume.  
Magnus got home to his apartment well it was more of a loft. He was exhausted. It was always harsh, the first day at a new school. But it was more than that. Alec had opened up to him about his horrible past. Magnus couldn’t help but feel inclined to do the same. He just wasn’t sure he was ready to do that. He sat down on his bed and took out his laptop. He checked to see if his friends were online. Catarina was. Great, he thought. He called her, desperate to vent to someone. Her face popped on to his screen. He smiled. “You look terrible, tough day?” Catarina said with a big smile. “Like you wouldn’t believe!” Magnus said and sighed. He told her about his classes and teachers. And of course about Alec, leaving out the horrible story, and about Alec’s friends and siblings. She had this mischievous grin on her face. Magnus stopped talking at stared at her. “What?” he said. “You like him, don’t you? You’re crushing on him.” She said with a smile on her lips. Magnus blushed, which was rare. “Yeah… but the guy is a mess, there is no way he is ready for a relationship.” “Just give him some space and time and you might find that he needs a healthy relationship.” Magnus slowly nodded, agreeing with Catarina. They talked a little while longer and ended the call. Magnus got ready for bed, but he had trouble sleeping. He kept thinking about Alec. He didn’t want to admit it, but he most definitely found Alec intriguing.


	6. Too warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec deals with his siblings and Magnus talks about his feelings with Cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry if it feels like nothing happens in this chapter. I'm trying to improve on how I write my chapters. 
> 
> The song mentioned is by one of my favorite bands and I hope you'll listen to it :)
> 
> Enjoy!

Alec had hit the snooze button on his phone for 25 minutes now. He did not feel like getting up. It was only the second day of school and he already had had enough of it. Who wants to repeat senior year?! Alec groaned and finally dragged himself out of bed. His parents would kill him if he didn't get straight A's this year. He couldn't be late. He showered. He got dressed. Black v-neck, black jeans, black combat boots. He brushed his fingers through his hair, knowing it would always look like a mess, no matter what he did. 

When he got down stairs, Izzy was pouring coffee. Great, Coffee. Alec grabbed a mug and Izzy handed him the pot. They sat at the breakfast-bar and ate in silence. Alec noticed Izzy's concerned stare, and shifted in his stool. 

"Alec..." she started softly, "It's gonna be okay. I know it will." Alec huffed. 

"I mean it, Alec. We are all here if you need us, even Simon," she said and smiled. Alec smiled back, a little strained but he tried his best. Jace came down as well and ate an ungodly amount of toast, and talked about some upcoming anniversary he and Clary were going to celebrate. Alec barely listened. 

His mind kept wandering towards Magnus. Alec knew he was in no position to start a new relationship, not that he didn't want to, he would just be shitty boyfriend at the moment. At least Magnus could be a friend, a new slate, someone who wasn't there to see the actual mess Alec was when it all went down. Alec got up and put his plate and mug in the sink. He needed some kind of distraction before his head got filled with thoughts he most definitely did not want. Fuck. It was too late, the guilt from the accident and the shame of how he had spent his summer all came rushing. He had his hands planted on the edge of the kitchen counter and his arms and shoulders tensed. He heard Izzy and Jace stop talking. He hated how they tip-toed around him. He knew it was because they cared but it made him feel weak. 

"Stop it," Alec hissed at them. 

"Alec, what's wrong?" Jace mumbled through a mouth full of toast. 

"Nothing, just stop acting so weird around me," Alec said more harshly than intended. 

He turned around he quickly walked upstairs to finish getting ready for school. He closed his door behind him, and laid back down on his bed. God, how he wished this would end. He knew it never would, but when would it be easier? He groaned. He brushed his teeth and grabbed his leather jacket. It was still warm out, since it was only the end of august, but he didn't care that both his shoes and jacket were too warm. When he got down stairs again, Jace and Izzy were both ready and they started   
driving to school.

As he parked the car he thought that at least he'd get to spend some time with Magnus. It might make biology less dreadful. He walked towards his locker. People still stared and whispered around him. He rolled his eyes and seriously wondered if what, well who, he had done over the summer was the most interesting thing in their life. He passed Sebastian in the hallway who yelled:   
"Where is your boy-toy? Got tired of him already? Did you miss Nate too much?" after him.   
He and his friends laughed. Alec kept walking. He grabbed his books from his locker and headed to class.  
Magnus was already sitting at a table and Alec sat down next to him. "Hi," Magnus said cheerfully. Alec smiled and said hello back. Yeah, Magnus would definitely help make this less horrible. "Whomever your sitting with now, will be your lab partner for the rest of the year," the teacher said while handing out a bunch of papers and information. Magnus turned and smiled at Alec, 

"I guess we are lab partners." Alec smiled back and said: "Yeah, I guess so."

Song: I Wanna Boi - PWR BTTM

Magnus and Alec walked towards the lunch table where Alec and his friends usually sat. Magnus really liked Alec's friends, they were very protective of Alec. Magnus liked that. He started missing his friends, and made a mental note to video call them again tonight. Magnus sat down and greeted Clary and Izzy who had already arrived. Izzy asked Alec about his classes, and Magnus looked at Alec while he briefly complained about doing the same thing again. Magnus looked away and locked eyes with Izzy. Magnus knew she had seen his eyes linger on Alec bit too long. But she just smiled and continued the conversation. Magnus shifted in his seat and Alec turned his head over his shoulder and said: "You okay? You're acting a little weird today." 

"Uhh, yeah sorry, I'm just missing my friends." Magnus said quickly and looked down.

Alec looked at him a little more but his attention was torn away when Jace and Simon came to the table. Magnus let out a relieved sigh. Only Izzy noticed. 

 

When Magnus got home that night he facetimed Cat. When she answered he just started without saying hi. "God, it's only been two days but he is soooo cute!" Catarina laughed. "It's not funny! He is unobtainable, and everyone at school is talking about him. I feel so sorry for him. Though it doesn't seem to bother him, and if it does he certainly doesn't let it show. And like he has been through so much. And this one guy, Sebastian, teases him in every class about Nate. And now he keeps asking Alec if we have something. Sebastian keeps calling me Alec's new boy-toy. Which is embarrassing enough. What if that makes Alec not want to be with me? Like at all? But when we saw each other at the diner, I was sure he checked me out, but I don't know if he is interested anymore or ever was." Catarina sat in silence letting Magnus's vent sink in. "Magnus, sweetie, I think you just need to be his friend for now. Even if he is interested, I think you need to take it very slow. Painfully slow. I mean look at his history with guys, it hasn't been very positive, now has it?" Magnus knew Catarina was right. But he just felt so attracted to Alec. "Yeah... I know, it makes sense and it's rational. But, ugh I just want to kiss him so badly. And he is like so nice and arrrghh. But your right. I'm going to be his friend. Now tell me about back home. I miss you guys so much." Magnus sat and talked with Catarina for hours before he finally went to bed.   
�

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed!  
> If you have any thoughts or requests please leave them in the comments or message me.
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr at youreonlylow.


	7. Most of them.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A family dinner takes place. You know how it is.

Alec didn't go straight home after school on Thursday. Instead he just walked around the suburban neighbourhood for hours. He sat down on a bench in a small park. He couldn't keep still. After he ended things with Nate he suddenly had a lot of free time. He took out his phone and scrolled through his recent messages. His thumb lingered at Nate's name for a split second but Alec was stronger than that. He didn't see anyone he wanted to see right now. Then he remembered. Magnus. Magnus had given him his number and Alec was supposed to text so he could add him back. So he did. 

03:36 pm  
Alec:  
Hi. It's Alec.

03:38 pm  
Magnus:  
Hi :) What are you up to? :3

03:38 pm  
Alec:  
Nothing. Want to hang out?

Alec sighed when he hit send. He knew he shouldn't lead Magnus on, but was he? He did like Magnus. And he did want something between them. Alec couldn't help but feel drawn to him. 

Magnus stared at his phone. Alec's text was very casual but why did he want to hang out? As friends or did Alec also want something more? He quickly replied. Trying to match Alec's calm tone.

03:40 pm  
Magnus:  
Sure :) Where do you want to meet?

03:41  
Alec:  
Izzy, Clary and Jace are at our house, and my little brother. I don't want to go there. Too many people home. I'd rather just be alone with you. Where do you want to meet?

Magnus read the text twice. Those were all his friends. Why didn't he want to be with them? Why did he want to be alone? Magnus typed out his text and looked at for a while before pressing send. Too flirty? Dammit. He promised Cat to be his friend. Nothing more.

03:43 pm  
Magnus:  
If you want privacy you can come to my apartment :3 I'm the only one who lives there. I'll text you the address if you want :)

03:43 pm  
Alec:  
Yes.

Alec quickly got home and in his car. His head spinning with questions. Did Magnus want to be more than friends? Is he coming on too strong? Will he scare Magnus away? Magnus knows all the shit that has gone down, how can he be interested in someone so self-destructive? What were they even going to do when he got there?  
Alec glanced at Magnus's text with the address and knew the area. It was closer to the center than where Alec and school was. Alec calmed his nerves by smoking while he was driving to Magnus's apartment.  
He stood outside the apartment block. He looked for Magnus's name and clicked the button. 

"Hi, come on up."

"Thanks," Alec said and threw away his cigarette and stepped on it lightly as he pushed the door open. He walked up the stairs and when he did Magnus's door stood open. Alec walked in. 

"Hi..." 

Magnus popped his head out of the kitchen. "Hello, are you hungry?"

"Kind of" Alec lied, he had little appetite lately, "What are you making?" 

He shrugged of his jacket and untied his shoes. 

"Pancakes!" Magnus said joyfully. Alec smiled. 

"Sure just one though." 

"I was planning on watching some bad reality show, but if you'd rather do something more exciting just say so," Magnus said, struggling with a big plate of pancakes and two plates and cutlery. 

Alec took the pancakes from his hands. "Thanks," Magnus said and smiled. They sat down in front of the TV and Magnus got up to get the Nutella. Alec didn't mind watching old reruns of Project Runway. He didn't care much for it but he had watched it a few times with Izzy. 

Alec and Magnus didn't sit against each other but also not on opposite ends of the couch. Alec didn't mind. Neither did Magnus. After eating a few pancakes, they sat in silence and continued watching the show. Neither of them were paying attention. Both had too many unanswered questions, what did the other person want? Alec shifted in his seat, he couldn't take this tension anymore. Why did Magnus have to be so nice? And so attractive?

Alec didn't know how it happened, but he was kissing Magnus. And Magnus was kissing him back. Halfway through the second episode they just both leaned in. The show was still running in the background. Magnus was sitting in Alec's lab, his arms wrapped around Alec's neck. Alec had his hands on Magnus's waist and pulled him closer. Magnus made a pleased noise as he did so. Alec let his hands wander under Magnus's shirt and dug his fingers deep into his lower back. Magnus put his hands on Alec's chest and tugged very slightly at the black material. Alec moaned and deepened the kiss. Fuuuck. Magnus mentally slapped himself for being so weak. He felt Alec's want to quicken the pace. So he did. Alec moaned again. Magnus knew this shouldn't go further. He'd take his stand. He was about to break the kiss but Alec cut him to it. Magnus almost started saying it was a bad idea with everything Alec had been through and so on and so on. 

But then Alec started kissing his neck and his head tilted instinctually. Magnus moaned. Alec kissed all the way down his jaw and neck. Alec tugged at the front of Magnus's shirt to access his collarbone. Magnus moaned when Alec bit down and lightly sucked. And then a little harder. He released and kept kissing Magnus's neck. Magnus's hand went under Alec's shirt and grabbed his back. Alec no longer thought, he just did. Alec knew it had been a bad idea but he couldn't help himself. How could something bad feel so right? Alec went back kissed Magnus's soft lips. Alec grabbed Magnus's hips and shifted both of them and laid down. When Magnus didn't follow he opened his eyes. Magnus stared him deep in his eyes, as if he was trying to find answers in them. 

"Magnus," Alec said breathlessly and tugged the front of Magnus's and pulled him down. 

Magnus started kissing his neck. Alec moaned. Magnus bit down. Magnus sat back up and Alec opened his eyes. Alec looked at Magnus and saw a look on his face. He was trying to cover a hurt one. Alec sat up as well. 

"What's wrong?" Alec asked. Magnus's eyes flickered down but only for split-second. 

"This. We shouldn't be doing this. There is no way you're ready to do anything more serious than this. And I will not let me be another distraction of yours." 

Alec stared back at Magnus. Alec knew Magnus was right. 

"I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship, Magnus, but I do like you. I knew it wasn't a good idea but I couldn't stop myself."

Magnus sat in silence. Not knowing what to say or do. His eyes flicked to the very deep dark mix of colours he had left on the side of Alec's neck. He wondered if his collarbone had been marked too. 

"Alec, listen, I'm willing to try if you want but I don't want you to do anything that won't help you." 

Alec smiled, kind of. 

"I like you. And I want you to let me like you. And I want to keep kissing you." 

Magnus returned Alec's smile. 

"Okay." 

Alec felt his phone vibrate and saw the many texts he had missed while being distracted by Magnus. 

"Shit!" Alec exclaimed. 

"What happened?" Magnus asked with concerned eyes. 

"I forgot our family dinner, my parents hate when we are late for since its basically the only time we are all together. So much for fake interest. Let's not tell our friends about us yet. They will be unbearable." 

Magnus nodded in agreement. Alec got up and grabbed his jacket. 

"You might wanna cover your neck up. I may or may not have left some evidence there," Magnus said with a smirk. Alec shrugged and left. 

\---------------------------------

Alec drove home as quickly as possible. He was already 10 minutes late. His mind kept wandering to Magnus's kisses and how Magnus genuinely cared and like him. He couldn't help but smile. He blew smoke out his window and turned on to their street. He walked into the dinning room and his parents had a stern look on their face. 

"You're late," his mother said. 

"I know, I'm sorry, I lost track of time. I got here as fast as possible." 

He sat down at the table. 

"Where were you all afternoon?" his father asked, not to out of interest. 

"Just out with a friend." Izzy stared with a slightly angry but very concerned look on her face but kept quiet. 

"What friend does that to your neck?" his mother said with an angry judgmental tone. 

"Most of them," Alec replied casually to annoy her, "But you don't know this particular friend." 

A look was shared between his parents, to others easily mistaken as concern, but Alec knew better.

Alec kept calm and put a few beans on his plate. Izzy's stare didn't leave his face. Jace sat quietly and ate. Max was a little too concentrated on his newest book. They let him read at dinner because then they could talk about things that didn't concern him without him feeling left out. Alec thought it was stupid. Max should be able to understand the problems they had. 

The conversation slowly started being less awkward. Less focused on Alec, he didn't mind. What he did mind was Izzy's and Jace's concerned, slightly angry stare that lingered on him, unless they were being spoken to. Alec felt very annoyed. He knew they thought he had gone back to Nate. He almost had. But he had gone to Magnus. He was thinking about how that was going to work. He had always put others needs ahead of his own. He always made sure his siblings were happy before himself. Izzy had said that it was both his best and worst trait. She loved how much he cared for them but she was worried about how he so easily discarded his own needs. 

He had never came out to Izzy, she had just always known. And Jace, well that was a little more embarrassing story. Jace had confronted Alec about Alec's 'feelings' towards him, but he had made the case that Alec didn't actually love Jace. Not like that at least. Alec had felt so embarrassed he just wanted to die. But it was in the past and they had moved on. Now they were brothers, just brothers. After dinner Alec went straight up to his bedroom and Izzy was right behind him. She slammed the door shut behind her.

"Seriously Alec?! It has been less than a month and you're already back to doing Nate?!" 

Alec sighed, "No. I promise. And this time is different. I actually care about him and he cares about me." 

Izzy looked at him, clearly asking him to tell her who he was talking about. 

"I'm not telling you. So don't bother. I love you, okay? Trust me."

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a kudo if you liked it! Leave a comment if you have any critiques or request for future chapters/new fics!
> 
> Yell at me on Tumblr at youreonlylow


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